Tag Archives: jive-ass

The Bow Tie

Holy crap, I am so excited to share this anchor submission with you all! It’s awesome jive-assery of the “over-engineered macrame project” variety (my favorite style). Beyond that it’s just bizarre. It’s from the Ouray Ice Park (hard to believe, I know) and the photos were submitted by Kent Bailey, who was visiting the park for the first time.  Kent calls this beast “The Bow Tie”, which is aptly named, as you can see.

An utterly strange ice climbing top rope anchor, macrame stylie.

Figure 1: An utterly strange ice climbing top rope anchor, macrame stylie.

As you can see, this is a redundant two point anchor. One anchor point is that simple loop of rope tied around the left tree with a knot I can’t quite identify. Here is a closer view. Any ideas anyone?

Bow Tie Ice Climbing Anchor from Another Angle.

Bow Tie Ice Climbing Anchor from Another Angle.

That knot on the left edge of the photo: it doesn’t quite look like a bowline. Not sure what it is. At any rate, here is a third photo from another angle:

Figure 3: Bow Tie Ice Climbing Top Rope Anchor from another angle.

Figure 3: Bow Tie Ice Climbing Top Rope Anchor from another angle.

Let’s move onto the second anchor point of this redundant anchor. It appears to be the load end of that elaborate spiderweb of rope wrapped around the two trees and tied up in a bow. You can see it better in figure 1. Yep. Looks like that’ll hold. I think it’ll hold. Which brings us to the question–to the elephant in the room as it were: why are those two trees bound together with that macrame project of rope? Is the idea to keep one of them from uprooting and getting yanked down the ice wall? They seem like pretty stout trees to me. Is this intended to be an art installation? In the end it really doesn’t look all that dangerous. It’s just…well…bizarre. I really don’t get it. I think Kent put it best when he wrote “I’m not really sure what all is really going on in this anchor.” My thoughts exactly, Kent. This is Jive-Ass Gold!

Location: Ouray Ice Park, Ouray, Colorado, USA

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My What a Long Anchor!

My, my. It’s been a while since we’ve been to the Ouray Ice Park, hasn’t it? So with no futher ado, let’s dive right in, shall we? These photos were taken by my climbing pal Ania Wiktorowicz just this month. I like to call this ice climbing top rope anchor the loooooooooooong anchor. Not that there’s anything particularly wrong with a long anchor. At Ouray you often sling a tree set back 15 or 20 feet back from the cliff wall, so the length here isn’t unusual. But that’s not what’s Jive-Ass about it.

Slung Tree

Tree bone connected to the sling bone.

Let’s see, let’s sing the anatomy song on this one. The tree bone’s connected to the nylon sling bone…

Girth Hitched Soft goods

Sling bone girth hitched to…another sling bone!

The nylong sling bone’s connected to…another nylong sling bone. The…wait! Isn’t there suppossed to be a carabiner in here somewhere? Preferably a locker (since this is a single point of failure)? Nah! Just girth hitch one sling to another. We’ve addressed this issue before here, and here. This practice is, um…er…(cough! cough!) Jive-Ass.

And yeah, yeah, I know. It’s a freakin’ top rope anchor. No one’s going to crank that much force on it. It’ll probably be fine. Fair enough. It probably will. Probably no one will fall to the canyon floor and break both ankles. Probably not. But you really shouldn’t connect soft goods to soft goods like this–especially where it’s a single point of failure. “Probably” isn’t the same as “bomber”, and when you’re standing on the nice flat ground next to a tree, why not just go bomber?

Long ice climbing top rope anchor

My what a loooooong ice climbing top rope anchor.

And the final product. Try not to break off the sprinklers! That’s how they make the ice. You kids get off my route! And watch those crampons! This anchor isn’t EARNEST (no redundancy)!

Location: Ouray Ice Park, Ouray, Colorado USA

Comrades in Arms

Some climbing buddies pointed out to me today that Climbing Magazine posted a Ridiculous Anchors Edition of their Unbelayvable series (which recounts harrowing tales of reader-submitted climbing stupidity). And this installment does indeed deliver some high quality climbing anchor Jive-Assery, the most noteworthy being this one:

Jive-Ass Quick Draw chain anchor, from John Gregory's blog "Dumb Anchors"

Jive-Ass Quick Draw chain anchor, from John Gregory’s blog “Dumb Anchors”

The Climbing magazine piece quotes a guy named John Gregory in its photo caption (it would have been decent of them to at least post a link to his fine blog) [UPDATE: they did add a link to John’s site in the Climbing magazine piece–nice work!], so I looked him up to discover that John is almost like a long lost brother, a comrade in arms as it were. John manages an awesome blog–not unlike Jive-Ass Anchors–called Dumb Anchors. Most of his examples appear to be from Carderock, Maryland, USA. And indeed the photo above is from his blog. In fact, John has also posted a photo of this “dumb anchor” from another angle, which illustrates the full cluster-fuckery of this horrible anchor even more explicitly. There are some real gems in John’s blog. You should check it out.

At any rate, seeing this sort of inspired me to offer a shout out to everyone out there fighting the good fight by documenting and dissecting all of the Jive-Ass anchors we encounter out there in the world. And for those of you who see and photograph them, I’d also like to encourage you to not only witness but also to intervene. If you see something particularly dangerous and you can fix it, or educate the builder of said Jive-Ass anchor (with a bit of tact and diplomacy of course), please do so. Here are a few of the more prominant lousy anchor resources online:

  1. As I just discovered, there is the Dumb Anchors blog from John Gregory: http://dumbanchors.blogspot.com/
  2. The Mountain Project forums has a Bad Anchors section with some pretty good (bad) stuff too: http://www.mountainproject.com/v/bad-anchors/108031892
  3. The forums on SuperTopo has a rather awesome section called Good Anchors, Bad Anchorshttp://www.supertopo.com/climbers-forum/569713/Good-Anchors-Bad-Anchors
  4. And finally, while not devoted exclusively to horrifying climbing anchors, the /r/climbing sub-Reddit on Reddit often has instances of pure Jive-Ass gold. People send me stuff form here all the time: http://www.reddit.com/r/climbing

Missing anything? Let me know!

Longs Peak Clusterfuck

Clusterfuck Bail Anchor: The Diamond, Long's Peak

Clusterfuck Bail Anchor on The Diamond, Long’s Peak

Here is a photo taken just last Wednesday on The Diamond on Long’s Peak in Colorado’s Rocky Mountain National Park, by Martin Edwards. I think Martin’s own description captures it best, so I’ll let his words do the talking:

“I found this bail anchor above the North Chimney on the Longs Peak Diamond on Wednesday. There’s a lot going on: the flake that was slung was partially detached and not very solid, there is a buttonhead with an old SMC hangar, two rusted pins, and good stopper. There is webbing slung through everything with no equalization. There is no master point, either, everything converges at two different points. Jive ass.”

I couldn’t have said it better Martin, and I will only add the following two observations:

  1. The tan webbing is especially horrifying. Bolt hangers and pins often develop sharp edges, so it’s not a good idea to thread soft goods (like nylon webbing) through them. It’s best to attach them with a biner. Furthermore, nylon rubbing on nylon can melt at relatively low temperatures generated by force. So where the tan webbing is threaded through the bit of red webbing? Ouch!
  2. This whole anchor is a classic instance of what we climbers lovingly call a “clusterfuck”.

Be safe out there this summer, and happy climbing!

Location: Long’s Peak: The Diamond. Rocky Mountain National Park, Colorado, USA.

Leather Belt Anchor Update

Remember the faux leather belt anchor from Oregon’s Mt. Theilsen I posted last year? Well guess what? Reports are coming in from the field that it’s still there. Below is a photo taken just this past weekend by climbing pal Ania Wiktorowicz.

Jive-Ass Faux Leather Belt Anchor Revisited

Jive-Ass Faux Leather Belt Anchor Revisited

This jive-ass anchor doesn’t look any worse for wear than when I encountered it myself last summer. Apparently it’s still attached to the mountain quite well.

“I tried wiggling it out” Ania told me, “…its bomber!” This was exactly my experience last year. The belt buckle seems to be jammed in the crack like a tricam. It’s a solid placement. Of course it’s not clear how many kN the belt buckle on an imitation leather belt can handle.

Here is a video of Ania and her find.

Another climbing friend, Jason Lee, confirms this jive-ass anchor’s continued existence with a similar photo. In this case, the jive-ass leather belt anchor is being taunted by a Metolious master cam, which makes for a nice juxtaposition I think:

Independent confirmation of Jive-Ass Faux Leather Belt Anchor.

Independent confirmation of Jive-Ass Faux Leather Belt Anchor.

Climbing Theilsen soon? Please send me a picture if the belt is still there.

Location: Mt. Theilsen, Oregon, USA